Teaching Bleaching

 Yeah I mean come on there are so many red flags it is untrue.

 Yeah months of ghosting and unreliability and lack of open communication and so forth. All the red flags. All the red flags, and doubt about the long term future and so forth. 

 Yeah, I ignored too many red flags that it wouldn't a happy and healthy relationship. 

 Sometimes you just gotta leave people to their whatever...they are going to be idiots and it's best to leave them to it. 

 That they would even end shit with me that way - and treat me so carelessly - and be such an arse hole because they can't cope. Jesus. Why- why did I get sucked into this crap with someone? 

 You don't need someone whose only way to cope is to be completely and totally selfish towards you are all times after you have given your best and supported them and loved them to the best of your ability.  You want mutual support not horse crap.  No excuse for blocking me - just can't cope and can't seem to communicate and that is no good for me and I shouldn't feel like crap- its your problem - you need to sort it out. 

 Losing all hope for a better future - that isn't easy. 

It won't find a job and stay for me- he failed so many times on all that. 

 So break away and don't see him again - get away from his confusing bullshit. His issues and low self-esteem and sabotage. 

 So don't let him in again. Don't let him use me anymore. 

 Yeah, life is cruel. You think you are going to be offered love but all you get back is codependent crap. And I had been entrapped by love from the start, so this was cruel. Very cruel.  People are arses. 

 totally need to de stress and stuff - try and enjoy the things I have 

 So sometimes love is a cage and you have to let it go- it wasn't going anyhere...

 I was not born to be a slave or to be someone elses' slave or to meet their needs without mine being met. 

 I regret giving you love when you had nothing to offer me in return. It feels so wrong and demanding to say love me back- that I should understand you are going through too much shit and I can't expect too much- but I should be treated like a normal human being at least.  Why is it so hard for me to ask to be treated like a normal human being - other human beings communicate but I am so used to your rudeness now. You disappearing into seclusion without warning. Perhaps you really can't help it. Depression is so different for everyone.  I should just leave it. I will be happier without you. 

 All that hope was broken - it ended the way it was always going to end you were a moving person I tried to hold on to - I fell so unspeakably in love with you.   Just let go 

 You used to say I completed you- but it was a lie- the feelings that I wanted to marry you well- that is a lie. It is a lie- you won't stay true to me. I know you won't. I imagine love is as hard for you to find as it is for me, but, but it will always be this way. You will betray me again and again, as you betray yourself. You betray yourself.  These things are deeply painful and take a long time to come to terms with. 

 I just feel like I wanna die and have nothing else to do with anyone - why would I care anymore? We were connected so deeply but all you did was bring me pain and let down because of whatever - you never have time for me and I am a free woman so I would be treated so badly to break my spirit. 

 I am hocked on tarot because fuck knows what you are doing right now and that isn't right.  I would call and say where the hell are you, and you were like right here. 

 I gotta have my daily tarot hit to keep my mind sane at this time. 

 I think about you all the time. I wish I didn't 

 I deserve to be supported and not left out in the cold and suddenly dropped because of a dissertation. I deserve to be communicated with. I don't deserve to be left hanging and ringing and ringing with no answer. And then you answer and I can't believe I take you being an idiot. But then maybe that is depression for you.  It would be good to get out and clear my head of you and just have a stable nice relationship with someone less neurotic and pathological. You are not normal and I should have protected myself and had boundaries. I didn't have strong enough boundaries.  Its always after you have fallen in love they pull the plug and can't cope or they never intended to fall in love.  Negative people who don't deserve your love. Players and fools and depressives who will never get better. 

 I deserve to be the central focus - not just something you can't cope with that just hangs on in the background but that seems to be me right now. Even though that hurts like heal.  Anyway, it is always the same selfish bullshit. You couldn't communicate and say I can't handle that right now.  You are just not capable right now.  It probably makes no difference if I walk away or stay- you are the way you are - you were always running away and failing to communicate like a child.  You had to be all in to the dissertation and some shit- jesus- just grow up and get a life. 

 Neurotic love can really hock us- but it isn't worth it in the end for just a good moment with someone. It takes more to make something work.  Distance will heal. 

 Am I co-dependent- can I not let go of someone who well...  I just hate you for not being there- but muddying the waters for not staying true to love- for seeing my messages and not being able to respond. So very selfish- selfish bastard.  Your love uplifted me for a short time but it didn't last. You admired my strength and my compassion but it was a short time.  Just poor communication all that time- but it was all so unnecessary just using my love for shit. You could have always gone to your family for fuck sake. 

 Yeah I had love to offer but you always put me on a shelf and it hurts I wait there - I shouldn't wait there. Unclear limbo crap why am I so scared what is it I fear about this - losing a person who gave me nothing? I haven't lost anything just what could have been a great love if he had not been such an arsehole the whole time. Those horrible feelings of total insecurity and lack and underappreciation. It is all a memory and a memory is not enough. No this small piece of you is not enough.  Oh and I feel sorry for you - but I am not putting love into something that is stagnating. At least he communicated something but it is not enough and it is never enough.  Well, I am just the lover and he is just looking for a wife somewhere else probably.  Anyway, he can't bother me now- I can get over it in peace. I can move on in peace. He can't show up at my door and confuse me.  I deserve to be treated better but never quite have the strength to ask for it. No, I have ...

 There were real feelings there..

 Being dropped hurts - being hurt hurts. Wounded healers are just wounded.  I can't find my mystical way. What is in me is in him as well.  Going back to the source. 

 You are teaching bleaching. You hate on my life. Why why why, didn't I protect myself more when you started getting flaky...I carried on with this vomitable thing. This unending love isn't enough.  No this small piece of you - this starting out this isn't enough.  There is just no way I could be pregnant.  I keep having my period so no no no How am I supposed to stand up against you exactly?  Yeah I should have probably protected yourself - it isn't clear what I am supposed to do exactly. What the hell.  Always hopeful that more will come but more will not come- that was that- and it was a mistake to have been involved with him.   He wanted to keep seeing me - I should have backed away - he caused me so much stress and anxiety and insecurity and his immaturity and selfishness are apparent.  Well maybe you ghodt because you have no self esteem but you are killing mine. 

 Is that the truth that you didn’t see a future so you just fucked off and discarded me.? 

 You just leave me here. Bad taste in my mouth. But when I close my eyes I am so in love with you.  Yeah well what future did we have exactly? You couldn’t be there so it was over.  The hell of thinking of you with someone else. 

 Well yeah I always think you are a selfish arsehole but yeah whatever. I never say it. You are just detached and not coping and fucked up. And why. Why did you have to abuse my trust and my kindness? Like why? What was the point?  It is so confrontational but it’s the truth you don’t love me.  You were just using me.  If he wants to see me he knows where to find me but after that it was shitty.  On and off and shitty.  But then maybe he is right wing and that explains it all. Deep down.  Probably not left wing and radical like me.  Getting fat. 

 No one deserves to be put through that amount of shit.  You didn’t even realise until you were talking to me what an arse you were being.  Jesus.  I should have been done with you then. Why! Well people reveal shitty sides to themselves.  And why couldn’t I accept my happiness was secondary and he didn’t care.  Just carried on the same shirt behaviour I am just so sensitive.  I wish I had met nicer people younger.  You didn’t think about me. Just you. It was all fine and then the asylum happened. And you couldn’t cope. As ever  I should stay away for a month. He isn’t looking after me emotionally.  People are shit. 

 Bastard. Neurotic bastard. It was dreadful. Why did I stick by them when I got nothing back? Just too much effort to be there for me.  Bastard. Why am I so kind?  How can you betray me after the beauty we shared? 

 Well you only showed up when it worked for you and disappeared and was never there for me. You say it’s because you couldn’t cope but any excuse just to get me into bed. Probably. What an arsehole. Why am I so scared to say the truth?  Just pulling the plug on everything.  This person is going through it.  Don’t hold on to the past.  Emotional and unconditional love.  Seems unlikely.  Optimism. Opportunities ahead. Who the hell knows.  The devils.  My hearts wish.  I dreamed about you again and making love. Just a shadow.  She sat with me and said you need to open the book in witches intuition and sexuality.  I don’t think he wants balance within me. He just cut me off and things.  A second chance to make me happy? No he doesn’t deserve it.  Confusing. Mixed messages. Just holding me there.  Nothing better.  Blossoming.  Heavy negative energy.  They hurt themselves when they hurt me.  Well. O...

 So you finally bailed on me completely. Too weak to be there. Why do you do these things? Just disappearing and reappearing. Taking what you need not giving a duck about me.  All my sadness at being used. I was too old for this.  Two music nerds obsessing.  I failed to find love. Too damaged. So much damage done. Should take action. 

 You just can’t change. You don’t have the time for it you just shut down and shut everyone oht. 

 Will you ever read my messages? Maybe I just wasn’t important enough. Was that really the end? Was that it. How you planned to end it all ?  Confusion  Why can’t I accept it? Why is out so hard to say good by. No emotions.  You always make me suffer. Always. 

 I hate you and I can’t tell you 

 I thought I would marry you but you made so many mistakes.  You obviously didn’t think the same.  Oh well you will be happy no doubt at my expense.  Jesus I hate you. Prick. Young men are pricks. Old women are cynical. I hate you all as someone in between.  It is always so impossible.  Love wasn’t equal. I wasn’t in denial we’re you just depressed all the time.  I said do you want to be with me, well whatever. Whatever. Did you even love me? Didn’t even say.  Maybe you do or don’t maybe you can’t cope.  Why did I let you y in. Why did I have so much sympathy for you. You fucked is at my expense. Fantasy. 

 It’s impossible to get close to you really. I tried to help and be supportive but it was impossible really. You wouldn’t do a study date with the dissertation you didn’t see why that would happen. You wouldn’t agree to call me once a week. You said there was no time. And some shite.  And some shite.  I was the one making all the effort and trying to fix things and you just couldn’t be bothered. All just another thing to deal with. You piece of shit.  Just an arse. Low self esteem. Difficult. Depression. Probably just hate yourself and the world.  Impossible to love you.  That wanting you to come back why? It’s been so crap.  This isn’t a communicative or warm or open or close relationship. It’s just horrible and nasty and wrong.  You missed Valentines Day as well. It was all so wrong.  You are so wrong.  What the fuck had I done to deserve being blocked exactly? If you can’t cope see a doctor or say don’t just fucking block someone....

 Hardly. Hardly. Hardly. Hardly. How can you turn your back. Emotional needs and whatever. You just can’t meet them. You can’t meet your own. You can’t look after yourself. You couldn’t look after me.  What made you think it was ok to disappear for a month?  What the fuck?  I just. Even one ghosting I should have dumped you. I put up with too much shit and why why why do I still write to you as though it could get better it can’t it’s full of shit because you don’t care.  All just lies. Lies lies lies and inconsistency. Why did I permit it though? Trust so much? Easier to excuse and think well of someone we love.  No bisexual no. 

 Just fucking hell. You were like oh wow you are teaching me. You should know to call and talk things out with people. Why did I stay on this flimsy relationship with poor boundaries and lack of structure and hardly any communication? Why do I fight? You are a coward. 

 Cunt!!! What the fuck!!! You take the easy way out because you are a coward. Always a coward.  Fucking coward. 

 Was out love even real? Everyone kept saying you didn’t love me. That you are an arsehole. That you are cruel and have a cruel side and I haven’t seen it because I was infatuated. You seemed so nice and yeah now you are a dick head. Well there were a number of times you were less than nice. Why would you not want to speak to the person you love? Why would you fucking block them? Fucking hell. How could you have not realised how much you h y me? Idiot.  Maybe I am still expecting you to be a normal  Human being which you are not. You are a mess.  So what were those excuses you come up with? Always excuses for shit. But if you loved me why make excuses. I can’t be that important to you if you can’t even put me first ever. Just a happy memory. Jesus. So unfair and wrong on many levels. Maybe just make control freak. The people we love betray us. Was that it closure? The end of that cycle?  You selfish fucking cunt. 

 It has been shit- what does that even mean - that you didn't mean to give the impression or intended to be there for me - what the fucking hell does that mean? Just fuck off already you weak piece of horse crap. I mean you said we were falling in love and you didn't mean to and well- you just can't cope as always always breaking up when things are hard. So pathetic.  You are an arsehole for pulling away from me - what the hell - how could you do that to someone?  Why did I look to the past for answers - did it even help? You shouldn't have disappeared for a month.  Did you think you had the right to? Why didn't you restate your boundaries? Were you just living in a dream?  Fucking hormones. 

 You don't communicate so who the hell knows what's going on.  I was so upset and shocked and upset and shocked and upset and shocked and I bet you don't want me to come and visit you. You can't imagine a long-distance relationship with me, well, who wants a relationship with someone who doesn't communicate?  Why was I in this relationship? You didn't communicate. It was some sort of nightmare. It is torture. Your avoidance. Your fear is like torture for me. I should have taken my power back you were fucking dreadful. Your behaviour was fucking dreadful.  God, I bet you treat the next girl better, I just got your shit. And it meant nothing. You didn't value me.  You just made a mess and run away; it was pretty bad- you don't know where to start and crap. You don't even understand why I wrote the things I wrote- totally disconnected and so forth.  Where did we stand exactly with you disappearing? Fucking bastard. Nowhere. Fucking nowhere. Did you tell...

 I don't hate you but I should. You call yourself an arse all the time, and I guess that is well....confusing...why call yourself an arse if you are not going to change it.  Why were you a arse to me? You weren't coping and it was all just another thing to you, and you couldn't afford to think emotionally on that and cope with everything else. Jesus. What the hell does that even mean? It means nothing it's just detachment.  Was it like some admission, oh please give me a break I can't cope right now.  How could you be so selfish towards me? I know you had a lot of shit to deal with but you never talked to me, you would just disappear when things were hard. You would say you were a burden and didn't want to add to my shit, but you knew I hated it when you disappeared. I asked you not to. You still did it. Fucking liar.  It was more oh it is over because I can't cope with it and whatever. It all just another thing. Jesus, you are a selfish prick. I have a life...

  Will I ever stop judging myself?  I listen to so much tarot. I don't understand why I keep wishing you will come back? You will only leave again. Even if you love me, or loved me, you didn't have the staying power to well, stay... So why bother me?  What were yout intentions exactly? Why was I so trusting? Judgement, judgement. Will we ever speak again? I don't know. You are leaving for a long journey and it doesn't sound like you are going to include me. Would you really rather be with me? You don't have the strength to fight for anything.  Oh you and your family problems. You and your dissertation. You are your possible cheating.  And I just scroll online waiting for you, and messaging. I shouldn't write to you.  My heart isn't ready to let go... I guess... So are you coming back to give me the truth? To give me justice? I shouldn't wait. But I have been waiting a long time, and well...it is a hard habit to break. Is there anything better out there....

 It is true. I hate my life right now. I just need to rant to the universe and the internet about my idiot ex and how he ghosted me for the millionth time and then showed up and said he couldn't cope with being there for me.  What can you do exactly? At least he is out of my life and on his way to a foreign country and will as likely never bother me again.  He was a foolish person, he wasn't right for me. I look back and I regret giving him all this love and all this understanding and all this support...and he offered me nothing and was probably just messing me around and using me.  So confusing.  He never called me.  What an arsehole. I can't believe I don't just lose my shit at him. Why didn't I just leave when him when he was talking about going all-in on his dissertation rather than stopping and looking for a place to live?  It was all a fucking fantasy in my head. Why did I even bother? I mean it was just a wonderful moment, right? Anyway sorry I ...